If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
