I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
