best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
