Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I forget how to act sober
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
