I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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