Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
