Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
