I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Randomize
