sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
