When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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