youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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