i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
