Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
