I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
