The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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