I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
