Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
