K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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