but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
