I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
