it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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