I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
