I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
