Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
