im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
