somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
