I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
