why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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