I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
