Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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