just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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