Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
When are your genitals available?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
