I want to make a zoo with you.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
