the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
