i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
