Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
