Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
