He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
