i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
