And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
