I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
