i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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