Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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