Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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