god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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