just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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