I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
