Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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