Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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