Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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