I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
no you cant smoke seaweed
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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