There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
